Being Deleted

April, 2001

A Read & Delete Special!


Greetings friends, enemies and the undecided!

     This is an historic month for the Read & Delete newsletter. For the first time in the history of the Read & Delete, I have been fired-- by a recipient. Somebody had enough of it and wanted out. I've been voted off the island, gotten the final answer, the ballots are in-- pregnant chads and all, the court had made its decision, and the king's thumb is down. I'm a goner.
      Not that I didn't expect it. I knew that it had to happen someday. With over 200 first-hand recipients reading approximately 26 newsletters per year over seven years, and figuring in the law of averages, I just had to offend somebody sooner or later. So be it. I guess that my own personal media empire can survive this vast onslaught of defamation by some poor confused subscriber who possibly disagrees with my political views, or more likely is simply just sick and tired of me. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sick and tired of me too. Did I just write this paragraph? I sound like George Stephanopolis on methadone.
      The reason that the now ex-subscriber gave for cutting me out of the flock is (and I quote), "I have plenty of other, more important e-mail to read." Well put. After some personal reflection and deep soul searching, I have decided that the former recipient's comment carries a great deal of merit. Because of this revelation, I set about the task of calculating the actual level of importance of the Read & Delete Newsletter, as compared to some of the other e-mails one is most likely to receive. 
I am forced to admit that the R&D falls far short in the urgency department when compared to most of the "virus warnings" one is likely to see -- even though most of them are hoaxes. I can't quite reach the level of paranoiac immediacy that comes from getting a multi-carated e-mail warning you that: 
>>> >>>>"if you open any attachment named "A present for your cat's best friend" --your hard Drive
>> >>>>> will EXPLODE! and a giant boulder will fall out of the sky and crush you DEAD!!!!!
The Read & Delete also can't quite match the level of emotional appeal one gets from those e-mails telling us about the 2 year old Alzheimer's victim whose last wish is to go to the planet Neptune, and how we can help the child out by forwarding the message 47 zillion times so the Internet Service Providers can count up all the tied up mail routers and pay for the trip. 
       I'm really sorry to let you down, but I can't give you any shrewd investment advice. Information like that can only come from those "hot stock tip" e-mails-- sent from some benevolent stranger giving out secret insider info--- that friendly word informing you that the next big move in the stock market will be in the area of medicinal crabgrass farming, and offering you a chance to get in on a real killing. (as the victim, of course).
       Sadly to be sure, I am unable to clean up your lousy credit rating, refinance your home or give you a new credit card. I cannot offer you a FREE MOTOROLA PAGER! -- even if I wanted to. (Pagers are such a nasty burden anyway. If you are forced to carry one-- you may want to do what I did. Boil it in water for ten minutes just to sterilize it-- then let it steep overnight. I could wear it all day after that-- and it never bothered me again. I wish I could say the same about my cell phone. Every few months I have to get a new one. On a high stress day I can throw it at least a hundred feet-- even from my car-- if I don't answer it with a sledge hammer. They just don't put quality in those things anymore. But I digress.) There's just no way I can live up to such important e-mail communication.                                                   I'll never be able to match the romantic thrills associated with messages informing you about the "18 year-old South American Amish cannibal cheerleaders looking for REAL MEN." Alas! I have no herbal alternatives to cure your maladies or phobias. All I can offer you is fiber-- if you don't mind printing out this letter and eating it. Still--there's no guarantee that such a treatment would do anything other than possibly giving you paper cuts throughout your upper digestive tract. 
         So...... after tabulating this unofficial cross-section of Internet correspondence, I have approximated the relevancy level of the Read & Delete Digest as fitting in just beneath an e-mail version of a mattress tag and just above anything written by Richard Simmons. But I must admit (with some pride) that in the seven years (so far) of the Read & Delete I have never sent a single 'blond' joke, or any 'you may be a redneck' humor. There must be a record in there somewhere. 
     The point is that I won't be offended by any who decide to opt out of the distribution list. I MAY be astonished at their lack of intellectual depth, (just kidding!) but I realize that this distribution of absurdity is not for everybody. Being an egocentric humorist, I laugh at myself first. 
      On the other hand, if someone of obviously superior comic appreciation has forwarded to you this missive of mischief, this haven of hyperbole, the almost always alliterative, nearly never negative (not that I know of, notwithstanding the noble nuance of notably needed needling) newsletter, and you wish to subscribe-- simply send me an e-mail and I will place your name among the names of those fine few friends fortunate to find fellowship and fun without fear of feeling foolish or frustrated, unless you find that you can be flustered easily- but I have great faith in your endurance, seeing that you are nearly at the end of this test-- designed simply to see if you can read and comprehend a single sentence of over one hundred words in length. Congratulations-- you pass!

Did I just write that? Yikes!

Gotta go..... I have more important things to do too.


P.S. By the way-- The Read & Delete's e-mail distribution list is top secret. It will never be sold, traded, loaned, shared or disseminated in any way shape or form to anyone else-- be they friend or foe, public or private, foreign or domestic, saints or spammers. It is as secure as I can make it. So there!