Parade of Gadgets

August, 2001

Greetings, Consumers!

      It is a tradition (of sorts) with the Read & Delete Newsletter- that towards the end of summer, we preview some of the latest and greatest in the way of spurious gadgetry -- the kind of stuff that could make life easier--- or at least very different -- if you could actually buy and use them. So keep an open mind and and an active imagination as we present:

THE READ & DELETE PARADE OF GADGETS FOR 2001!


        If you're too cheap or too broke to redecorate your home, then Abysmal Lighting Concepts, LTD. has the answer for you-- darkness. Using the latest in super spot lighting technology, you can intensely illuminate the center of your room while cloaking the walls and furniture behind a curtain of inky blackness. This concept is referred to as "interrogation lighting" and has been used successfully by cigar-chomping police chiefs and heavy-handed g-men for decades. Just put a straight backed chair in the center of the room and hang a couple of heat lamps over it-- then turn off the rest of the lights in your house. Nobody will notice the faded pastels and worn out vinyl all around them as they sit---and sweat.

       Our next product comes to us from Deplorable Audio, Inc, and it's called "The Pest Stinger." The Pest Stinger is a small device that looks just like a 'keychain remote' for a car alarm or keyless entry system, but in reality it is a computerized noise generator. This device is especially useful for controlling those pests who drive around the neighborhood with car stereos that THUMP, THUMP,THUMP like a mobile earthquake. Just point the Stinger at the offending vehicle, press the button and WHAMMO!. The Pest Stinger overrides the car's audio system and the occupants are treated to a high pitched sound experience that can only be described as a cross between a chorus of cats in heat and an electrical substation exploding. Used frequently enough, this treatment can cure most subwoofer addictions,
according to Pavlov's experiments into conditioned behavior with dogs. WARNING! Do not accidentally operate the Pest Stinger while inside your own vehicle - you wouldn't like it very much anyway.

      For those of you who like to maintain your privacy, Paper Trail to You, INC. is offering a new product for its already comprehensive line of small business solutions. Paper Trail has developed the world's first home office invisible ink-jet printer. The EnigmaJet, as it is called, can covertly print an incredible 25 pages per minute blank, and 13 pages per minute without color. It can print on nearly any printable media, but seems to be most efficient when printing on 'Bond' paper. The EnigmaJet is fully compatible with most of Paper Trail's other products, such as their disappearing ink check writer,
and their popular "Final Expressions" brand exploding business letterhead. 
  

        The first truly effective reverse osmosis Internet filtering device (named "World War 1.1" ) showed incredible promise at its debut last month. World War 1.1 is the only Internet filter available today that goes out from your computer and actually removes offensive content from the web. During its first demonstration, World War 1.1 shut down 45 pornographic websites and converted the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog into a Land's End mailer. The makers of this incredible software (Melonsoft) will neither confirm nor deny rumors to the effect that their next product upgrade (World War XP) will also contain anti-trust filtering. 

      Do you hate getting telemarketing calls all the time? Subscribe to the new NoTel service and telemarketers will be a thing in the past. NoTel subscribers' telephones are constantly monitored, and all incoming calls are checked against NoTel's massive telemarketer list. If a known telemarketer tries to call a NoTel subscriber, the call is automatically forwarded to another location (like the monkey house in the Bronx zoo). If a telemarketing call actually reaches a NoTel subscriber, the subscriber simply pushes a small red button on the side of his phone, and not only is the telemarketer's number recorded into the NoTel database, but a 25,000 volt electric shock is sent into the telemarketer's phone. The call would go
something like this:
Telemarketer: Mr. Johnson?
Johnson: Yes?
Telemarketer: Mr. Johnson, doyourealizethatthousandsofhomesburndowneveryyearduetodefectivedecorativecandlesand......
Johnson: Wait! Are you a telemarketer?
Telemarketer:
.......dingtotheU.S.Bureauofaromatherapy,youareeligibleto.......
Johnson: I'm not interested!
Telemarketer:
.....andifyoudon'tlikethesmellyoucanalwayseathemcausetheyhavenocholosterol..
Johnson: I'm not interested! And I'm going to push the red button!
Telemarketer: ....andforjustafewdollarsmore..YEEEOUCHHHH!
(pause)
....... andforonlypenniesaday........
Johnson: (sigh....) CLICK!


        For those of us chained into the 'healthy eating' lifestyle -- existing upon roots, berries and oat bran, hoping to live long enough to be a burden to our children -- we often overlook the fact that we have been placed into this position of high-fiber servitude by a physician. These 'doctors' say that they exist upon the same diet that they prescribe to us, but do they really? How come they never complain about having to  eat bread made from sand and pine chips, dehydrated fish or 'tofurkey'? Do we ever see them grimacing over a gardenburger? No! And why not? Because they have the Bacon Intensifier, that's why!
The Bacon Intensifier is a device roughly the size and shape of a ball-point pen, and it emits a ray (the Bacon Ray) which is capable of altering the molecular structure of whatever inanimate object it is pointed
at, modifying the object into its nearest edible form. I saw this in action when I went in to the doc for a checkup. He was going to write me a new prescription for zocor, when he accidentally pulled the Intensifier out of his pocket. He clicked the button and (Zowie!) -his prescription pad turned
into a piece of French Toast--with butter and syrup! He tried to convince me that I was hallucinating, but I managed to get hold of the Intensifier. So I turned his glass jar of cotton balls into spicy meat balls, and made beef jerky out of the tongue depressors. He tore the thing out of my hands, but not before I saw the letters B.I.C. inscribed on the side (for Bacon Intensifier Corporation). Then he prescribed something else.      I guess we can believe the doctors when they say that they eat the same diet that they give
us. It's pretty darn easy when they can turn a desk blotter into 'three cheese lasagna.' I'll let you know when the Bacon Intensifier is publicly available.

      Our final product offering comes to you from LSL(Life-Sized Lego) LLC. LSL gives you the ultimate flexibility in home construction, as you can build your dream home from thousands of plastic blocks. Be bold. Unleash your inner creativity. If you don't like it, just drive your car into it and start over. Tornado? Earthquake? Natural disaster? No problem! Rebuilding is a snap-- lots of them. Use your spare LSL blocks to put up an addition. If you run short of blocks, well, maybe your neighbor won't miss his garage
after all. Then again, his backyard shed looks suspiciously similar to your missing deck.

So there it is, folks! Better living through imagination. And remember: 

     If it sounds too good to be true, it's too good to pass up.

Gotta go--- the future is on hold--- and I gotta take the call.

Neil